Pukekos

Last Thursday I had the sad privilege of attending a celebration of the life of a lovely lady. The Salvationist funerals I've experienced have often been a peculiar mix of sadness and celebration, and this one had a particular sort of stunned sadness to it, because it was so unexpected. This lady was only in her mid-fifties, and although she'd probably had more than her fair share of health troubles, still, no-one expected her to pass away suddenly at home one night. I know she didn't! She had plans, things she was involved in, looking forward to, excited about. I think we all make plans, whether deliberately or not - some of us like them to be more detailed and fixed, others more open to change and opportunity. But sometimes our picture of the future, however detailed or sketchy, disappears on us. And it doesn't have to be in some dramatic or catastrophic way for it to leave you feeling a bit lost.

I grew up in a fairly conservative and traditional family. The guiding star seemed to be what was or wasn't "done". If a discussion provoked the words "it's just not done!" from my mother there was simply nothing more to be said. What was "done" was finishing school then going to university in order to get a good job and save for your own home. This was the path to a secure future and was called "being sensible". Now I didn't see myself as a particularly sensible person, but I wanted to be a good girl, so I set off down that path. I took sciences at school - requiring a herculean effort to be roughly mediocre - then went to university with the aim of coming out the other end with a degree in Zoology. My picture of the future honestly involved measuring pukekos in a swamp somewhere ... happily! I looked forward to it, I could see myself enjoying it, I still think I'd enjoy it. Only then I failed every single first-year biology paper I sat and the pukekos kinda went "poof".

For the next 18 years, for the life of me, I couldn't come up with a picture to replace the one I'd lost. I hit 37 still trying to work out what I wanted to be when I grew up! Not long ago I made a comment to my Mum about how I seem to connect really well with little (3 or 4 and younger) kids and she replied "I could have told you that years ago!". It's sad to realise now that I could have known it myself years ago if I hadn't been focussing so hard on those jolly pukekos.

Friends and family are now facing a future without Ngaire. But they have a future to face. Somehow the loss of pukekos seems a bit trivial in comparison ... :(